R U OK Day (and the 364 days in between)
In modern society it is easy to become desensitised to communications about the world around us. We are surrounded by media informing us of war, COVID, political, social, and cultural issues; the list goes on. More recently mental health has moved to the forefront of discussion, with depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions becoming a part of our everyday conversations. We are too often shocked by the suicide of well-known personalities in the media – the losses of Chester Bennington, Robin Williams, Paul Green – (to name a few) are often described as sudden and unexpected.
R U OK Day is a not-for-profit suicide prevention initiative designed to normalise and encourage conversations around mental health. The campaign has achieved increased awareness of mental health issues and participation in the campaigns’ call to action – in 2020, people exposed to the campaign “were up to six times more likely to reach out to someone who might be experiencing personal difficulties” (R U OK, 2020).
Despite increased awareness, over 3000 Australians still died by suicide in 2020 (AIHW, 2022).
Is asking “Are you okay?” enough? No – but it is a brilliant start. Asking the question opens the door to more nuanced, effective conversations to be had in times of need. But you may wonder how exactly can I do that? How can I genuinely connect with someone on a potentially uncomfortable subject, beyond asking the initial question? Polyvagal Theory (Porges & Dana, 2018) seeks to explain the biological basis of social interactions and felt safety, offering a useful set of recommendations to effectively check-in with those around you;
The Do’s and Don'ts of asking R U OK
DO:
- Follow your gut! Speak up if something feels off, don’t hesitate to ask.
- Be ready and prepared to stay in the moment. Be somewhere that is free of distractions to give your full attention to the person. Put the phone away.
- Be aware of your own feelings and internal experience while aiming to immerse yourself in the feelings of your friend. This opens the door to compassion and empathy.
- Be calm – our nervous systems are wired to read other nervous systems. When the pitch, rhythm, and timbre of voice is rich, the body is open, and the face is at ease, a general state of calmness is being experienced. This supports spontaneous social engagement from those around us.
- Be aware of their verbal and nonverbal expressions; notice if “I’m fine” marries up or contrasts with body language and actions.
- Take a non-judgemental stance - be open and receptive to hearing their experience and sit in the uncomfortable.
- Actively listen - extend and promote contact through both verbal and nonverbal expression; allow them to feel felt, heard, and calmed as they align with knowing you are in this moment with them. Sitting silently with someone, while giving your full attention, can be a powerful way of demonstrating your presence and acceptance of them.
DON’T:
- Assume someone will reach out because they are struggling. Suicide often is the means for someone who sees no other way, to end their suffering.
- Ask the question if you’re not committed; if you’re not able to actively listen, then schedule a time where this can occur, and let the person know when you will be available to have an uninterrupted, intentional conversation.
- Wait until R U OK Day to check on your mates – there are 364 other days in the year to check in.
- ‘Tick the box’ by asking once off. Regular checks demonstrate you are there if someone needs you.
- Forget to look after yourself. You can’t be effective for others if you aren’t practicing your own self-care.
Functionally, if a person is “shut down” it can be very difficult for them to detect cues of safety. However, the above techniques help us to clearly project these cues - and will help to enable an emotionally compromised person to ‘open up’ if they are ready. We encourage you to build compassionate connections by reaching out to someone you believe needs help. Asking ‘R U OK?’ is a great start, and perhaps we can do even more for each other.
Authors: Nathan Trimble and Becky Burgess, Allambi Care.
Illustrations: Becky Burgess, Allambi Care.
References
AIHW, (2022). https://www.aihw.gov.au/suicide-self-harm-monitoring/data/suicide-self-harm-monitoring-data
R U OK, (2020). https://www.ruok.org.au/6-times-research-ruok
Porges, S. W. & Dana, D. (2018). Therapeutic Presence and Polyvagal Theory: Principles and Practices for Cultivating Effective Therapeutic relationships.
